Today I learned something that has changed my perspective on everything. For the past three, almost four years since I was diagnosed I have asked one question more times then I can count, "Why?". At first it was "Why me?". I didn't understand why I had to be the one to have to fight this battle. I didn't understand why I had to be the one to live over 95% of my life in constant pain. Over the past year it changed to a simple "Why?". Why was I going through it? Why was God putting me through it, what was the purpose? After the past few months since my body rejected the ninth treatment we've tried I've really been struggling with it. The pain has intensely gotten worse, my immune system has weakened, and at the end of the day I feel like crying myself to sleep and never getting back out of the bed from just the energy and pushing it took to get through the day. I can't tell you the times I've thought "I just can't go on. I don't have the strength." Anyone that fights this disease knows what I'm talking about because it's indescribable. The only thing that I've ever came up with to rightly describe it is think of someone lighting a knife on fire and then slowly digging into your side and gutting you. (Yes I realize that's a totally gross morbid description but trust me when I say there is no dramatizing there.) To have shots or a pain killer to get through everyday life is not a fun way to think of spending the rest of your life. So I've cried over and over Why? For so long it's felt like I've been banging my head against a brick wall getting no where. A few weeks ago I was crying and I told my mom that I didn't understand. I had cried out to Him for years to heal me, I had begged Him to give me the faith I must be lacking because I haven't been healed and I didn't understand why I was going through it. It seemed so pointless to think of spending the rest of my life dealing with the daily issues. But my Why got answered today. During service this morning my pastor was talking and he said something that really struck me. He said "Sometimes we see thing that seem cruel and hard and battles we don't understand but it's just the tender hand of Jehovah leading you." It's like a light bulb went on at that moment. In the Bible Job had done nothing wrong, and yet God allowed Satan to tear his world apart and leave him with nothing. To the natural eyes that seems so cruel that God would allow everything to be taken from him. But God did it to show how strong Job was. He was showing Job how strong he was. He had a purpose in it. So the answer to my Why wasn't that I didn't have enough faith or that I had done something wrong. It was simple. The tender hand of Jehovah. It's been God all along showing me how strong I am. How strong He is through me. He's put me in a place that He knows takes strength and fighting but that it also puts me in a place to constantly remember to look at Him. He has literally laid me on my back so I'll remember to go to Him for my help. Knowing that there is no cure and nothing anyone can naturally do what else can you do but look to Him? I know I haven't always handled my frustration right. I've made a lot of mistakes because I've gotten so frustrated and depressed about it but I'm just thanking God today that I now know that even if I never get my miracle that there is a purpose through it. I know that God is using it to keep me close to Him, to mold me and shape my character, to give me compassion for other people, and that He's using it to bring His imagine in me. So I shall say the one thing I never thought I would say about this disease, I'm thankful. If He thinks enough about me to give me an incurable disease to keep me close, then He thinks I'm strong enough to take it and who am I to tell God something is to hard? Nothing is to hard for God.
So my friends as you face your battle of getting out of bed to face another day tomorrow just remember, there is a purpose. You may not see it now but I promise you, God is using it in your life in ways you can't even imagine.
Much love and tender wishes!